so, i was engaged...i was actually going to get married. the engagement didnt last long and i need to explain to the world why i made the choice to end it. you know when you say you love someone? well there are two types of love...there is hey i love you, your my good friend, and there is im in love with you, marry me. well this person i was going to marry, i really loved, but im not IN love with them. i thought i was, until i accidently fell in love with someone else. now i know, that i wasnt truly in love with that person and i guess i just love them more as a friend. and this person i fell IN love with, i cannot stop thinking about, try to base every decision, every move on what this person wants to do. just to make them happy. im not going to say who this person is, its not worth mentioning considering they KNOW i feel this way and nothing will ever come out of it because they would have said something back about it or made some kind of move, ANY kind of move or word would have been nice. instead, i sit here, still basing every decision or move on this person. i cant eat, i cant sleep, i wonder what theyre doing at every moment. if i do somehow fall asleep, i lay there first, thinking about this person. and when i actually do fall asleep, i dream about them...sometimes good, sometimes bad. but it doesnt matter. i still wake up basing EVERY move on this person. i try to make small talk with this person but i just feel annoying because the small talk is every five minutes and if its not every five minutes, i think about it every five minutes and just hold back. my day ends up being ruined or upset if this person doesnt talk to me much and i get overwhelmed by jealousy when they are having fun with other people and we dont talk as often as we usually do. and even though i know nothing will ever come out of these feelings i have, i will FOREVER have them...i have never had these feelings before, and there is a reason. i have been waiting i guess. its just too bad that these feelings are only good for destroying me inside. i told you to leave a long time ago, i told you over and over. i said i didnt want to hurt you and that i would. every fight we had or have was me hurting you. i cannot control my feelings sometimes, so i try to pull away. anyways, im going to wrap it up, i thought getting these feelings out would make everything go away and make it not hurt as bad. but all its doing is tearing me up more. and to this person i have been writing about...if you happen to read this, i dont want you to hate me for it, i dont want you to even think about why i could possibly think these things, cause remember that time you said, nothing matters, and you cant help who you love. that should sum up why i have these feelings.

Change In My World

You helped me to see, what was really hidden
You helped me speak when I was shy
You made my life worth living
And made me realize I wanted to wait to die
For years I’ve been waiting for someone like you
And I know you feel that way about me too
Stay with me and don’t let me go
You are the colors of my rainbow
You make me happy and can make me laugh
We are nothing without the other half
You’re the cure to my problem
When I want to cry you make my smile blossom
You are the happiness to my day
And you made me realize everything will be okay

Broken Home

I’ve created a big mess
To this I will confess
Coming into this world
I’ve put a burden on your chest
We’ve shed so many tears
And conquered all our fears
She thought you were a nice guy
As she sent prayers to the sky
Along the way things got ugly
And wished that she would die
He threw her hard against the floor
And slowly got up and closed the door
How could they raise a family
After he’s hurt her so badly
She knew she had to get out of there
As she combed the knots out of her hair
She finally got the courage to say goodbye
And ended up falling in love
With the perfect guy

Bad News

Didn’t take you seriously, now it’s too late
They wanted to lock you up like an inmate
You couldn’t handle the pain, going insane
So you put a bullet to your brain
Wish I could have been a better friend
We told each other, it’s just us till the end
Now it’s just me, not the way it’s supposed to be
You opened up and set yourself free
How am I to tell everybody that you’ve gone away
I’m wishing and hoping until the day
The day we’re together again, I miss you
I know your family misses you too

Am I?

Am I the reason you laugh
Or cry
Am I the reason you lived
Then died
Am I the reason you smile
Or frown
Am I the reason for excitement
Or a meltdown
Am I the reason for living
Or dying
Am I the reason for telling the truth
Or lying
Am I the reason your happy
Or sad
Am I the reason you lost it
And got mad
Am I the reason you breathe?
Or am I the reason you give up?
Can you let me be the reason..
That your still here?
I want to help you up
When you fall down

After Dark

After dark, when she came home
You yelled and screamed, and raised your tone
Down her face fell one little tear
As you yelled “bitch get me another beer”
How was she going to survive another day
Even with a child on the way
She tried to do her best
The cooking the cleaning, and all of the rest
It was never good enough
Her mother told her to stay tough
Her mothers no longer here
To save her from the fear
One day she decided “I can’t do this anymore”
And kicked his ass right out the door

Addiction

It’s harder to stop then toking
Even harder to quit then smoking
It hurts people around me so much
You can look but please don’t touch
The pain and the suffer
They say it will get tougher
This is how I deal
I love the way it makes me feel
You worry about me all the time
So when you ask I just say I’m fine
Sometimes I do it just to see blood
Better watch out, it’s often like a flash flood
My tears keep falling
I’m sorry but I can’t stop bawling
I don’t even feel right saying my own name
I’m beaten at the hands of my own game

March 29/10....12:38pm

At the end of every rope,
losing what's left of all hope,
trying to make for better days,
trying when all skies turn gray,
my begining is at my end,
attempting to avoid, before my life i suspend,

make me better, fix my soul,
remove me from this never ending hole,
deliver me to heaven, remove me from hell,
make me feel happy, and not so unwell,
starve me from breath, extract me from life,
remove my heart, with a sharp, jagged knife,